What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
