Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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