i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize