I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
