dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
