if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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