Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
