sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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