Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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