he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
