When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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