I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
time to smoke my breakfast
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
