He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
