I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
