I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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