either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
