I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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