Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
