So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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