I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
