you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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