By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
