Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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