If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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