You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We need to get me chipped asap
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
