I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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