I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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