3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
