Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
