Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
