I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
