i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
