Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
