you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
