Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
