Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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