Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
