When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
