I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
