Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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