i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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