I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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