I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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