why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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