I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My vagina is officially offended.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
