1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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