I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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