i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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