I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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