you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
