Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
