Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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