I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
