Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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