so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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