and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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