So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
