Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
