pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sorry about my life...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
