if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
