I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I look better un-naked...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize