I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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